For some reason I always had this feeling that it would be really hard for me to have children. When we got married, we had every intention to wait at least a year before having children. However, unexpectedly only 3 months later we had discovered that we were expecting our first baby. We were so excited!! My husband LOVES children and is so good with them and was ready to be a daddy. Children have always been my main focus and my life ever sense I was very young. So even though it was not expected… we were so ready and so excited!!
A couple weeks later we were out of town and we saw a yard sale with this PERFECT crib and changing table that was basically brand new and at a ridiculously low price. So we set up our nursery!! I sat in that room often- completely filled with joy!!
Soon…. that room changed from a room of joy and hope… to a room of sadness. I went to work just like any other day. But that day was different. I left work, went to the hospital, and there found out that we were miscarrying. I don’t even know how I drove home that 30 mile drive… I was a complete mess emotionally and in a lot of discomfort physically.
It was a really a hushed thing. I didn’t want ANYONE to know!! I hated that we had to tell our parents. I hated that I had nobody who understood. Miscarriage is so taboo…. nobody talks about it. Or if it is brought up– the subject is quickly changed. I was so confused. I didn’t understand how it could have happened.
I grew really close to my husband the next couple of months to follow. But he didn’t struggle with it quite like I did… he just struggled with seeing me hurt. But I knew how much he wanted to be a dad!
We wanted to try and have a baby as soon as we could. But tried for months and never had any success… After MANY doctor visits, and the doctors saying that “you are still young– you have plenty of time” I became more and more frustrated because nothing was being done to make this happen. Finally after a year we found out we were expecting again!! I was so THRILLED and so ready to finally give my husband a baby.
However… something seemed “different” with this pregnancy. I thought that maybe different was a good thing. But then I started to have sharp pains on one side and started to spot. I knew that this “different” couldn’t be a good thing. I figured I was miscarrying again and had no desire to even go to the doctor. But for some reason I had the feeling that I needed to go in. I headed to the hospital where they then ran some tests. The nurses said that the test was now negative and that I miscarried…. however the doctor came out and said “something is off, we need to get you in for another ultrasound”. In I went… usually only 1 person does my ultrasound. This time there were 3. Next, they had the person over the ultrasounds come in followed by my doctor. There I lay wondering why there were 5 people discussing my ultrasound. At that moment I had wished so much that my husband was there with me as I sat there in confusion. They announced that it was ectopic and could become life threatening. Back into the doctors office I went where they discussed what was going on and the action we would take. He asked if I wanted to enjoy my thanksgiving (the following day) and I told him that nothing would change what was already going on…
So…. they started to give me a type of chemo shot (wish I remembered what it was called) to stop the cells from developing and bursting my Fallopian Tube. I was very sick and tired for that thanksgiving. But more than anything… I was embarrassed. I hated that the family knew and there I was. I felt like I was this pity bulls eye and nobody knew how to even talk to me or act around me. I faked a smile every day. I pretended like I was okay but emotionally I was not. I couldn’t let myself cry. Every other day I would go in to get more blood drawn for lab work. Week after week I would go in for another chemo shot. After about 5 weeks of this process, I went into the doctors office for more testing and another shot. This time I said to my doctor “I just don’t know how much longer I can be positive through this”. He told me I didn’t have to be… For the first time I broke down and completely sobbed. I released a full years worth of pain right there in the doctors office and on my drive home.
Time passed and we were ready to try having a baby again. Month after month I had a negative test and would cry and wonder why it wasn’t happening for us. After many doctor visits, getting on chlomid, and many more months of negative tests we finally conceived 2 more times… which again ended in miscarriage.
With each miscarriage, I began to hate my body more and more. I hated that it wouldn’t do what a women’s body should do. I hated that I couldn’t give my husband any children and wished he would leave me to be with someone who could… I started to hate if my husband touched me. I hated if anyone talked to me. I avoided people. I often avoided my husband. I hated who I was. I didn’t care to exercise or eat healthy. I figured my body was failing me anyway so why bother. I felt unworthy of love and emotionally distanced myself from the person that loved me most. I spent many days in that little baby nursery in our home wondering if and when I should just throw it all away.
Then… out of nowhere… we were asked if we wanted to take in a sweet little 5 month old. We immediately said yes without hesitation. For the first time, I became a mommy and my husband became a daddy! Picking him up was one of the happiest days of my life!! I had no idea that the 18 months to follow would be yet another emotional roller coaster. We wanted his birth parents to make the changes necessary to bring him back home… but at the same time we wondered how on earth we would ever be able to give him back. I spent many nights holding him wondering how I was going to do it. We had so much love for that sweet little boy. When his sister born, I was so ecstatic. We went to the hospital to pick her up and bring her home. We immediately fell in love with her too!
1 month later… we got positive test. I was SO HOPEFUL and just knew that it was finally time! I knew that If did have children easily we wouldn’t have been open to the opportunity of taking in two very small foster children and wouldn’t have been able to give all that love to our boy and girl! So I knew that now that we had them– it was time to finally have a successful pregnancy. Yet, we then again at 10 weeks miscarried. I had a 2 month old little girl, and a 16 month old little boy that I had to be strong for! I was so hopeful just to be disappointed again and it really, really, hurt this time more than ever before because I let myself hope.
After that point– I couldn’t let myself hope anymore. I figured we would just have to give our kids back to their birth parents. I figured I would never be a permanent mommy to a child. I figured I would never be able to allow my husband to be a daddy. I was so sick of the scene and had no desire to ever try again. So we stopped going to doctors, we stopped caring but didn’t take any action to prevent us from having children.
Six months later we were completely taken away when we went to court and found out that our little boy and out little girl were going to be forever ours! We finally were going to be able to adopt our sweet little babies! We didn’t have to worry about giving them back anymore… they were finally ours!
I remember holding my sweet little girl and realizing that I needed to work on ME emotionally, mentally and physically. I didn’t want her to learn from me how to hate her body… how to be a quitter… how to never hope for great things… and how to feel unlovable. I had to change for her!! I wanted her to feel beautiful! I wanted her to love herself! I wanted her to reach for big dreams!
So I started on a journey. I started working on my health and fitness instead of neglecting my body that I hated. I started doing nutrition and fitness groups through Facebook with friends (and some wonderful people I didn’t know but who are such great friends now) where we would help keep each other motivated and accountable every single day! You can do these free groups by applying here -> https://callred.wufoo.com/forms/r8o3oli1xcz244/
I also started to do daily personal development to work on myself mentally, spiritually and emotionally.
Month after month, my life began to change! My STORY CHANGED! I went from “I am unlovable”, “I hate myself”, “I don’t deserve to be a mom”, “I am the worst wife ever”, to the following story–> “I deserve to be a mom”, “I take care of my body and am happy about what it CAN DO”, “I am LOVABLE!”. I felt confident for the first time sense 4th grade. I felt happy instead of faking a smile. And I liked ME for the first time!
Now, almost 2 years later and 7 1/2 years of struggling with infertility and failed pregnancies, I am now 32 weeks pregnant. I am overwhelmed with the blessings in my life. We got on progesterone, lots of natural folate, and Enoxaparin Sodium shots. I also have continued eating healthier, exercising every day, working on my mindset, and drinking Shakeology (over 70 superfoods to provide the best nutrition for me and baby possible). Some days it seems so surreal that this is actually happening!! Soon we will be a mommy and daddy to 3 beautiful children… I went from believing I would never be a mom to soon being a mommy of 3 (ages birth to 3). Every week goes by and more stress is relieved as I get closer to our due date and knowing that we are closer to our sweet little boy being in our arms!
It has been a hard 7 1/2 years… but I wouldn’t change it!! I finally became stronger, healthier, more confident and the wife and mom I need to be. All of the disappointment, all of the pain, all of the emotional roller coasters, helped me to take ACTION to finally invest in myself and change my life. I finally made a COMMITMENT, and CHOICE to change!
If you are struggling with any of these things, don’t loose hope… Find JOY in the JOURNEY! While you are hoping for things… don’t forget to notice what is going WELL right now! Find joy in something now. Do something that gives you purpose. For me– that was getting a degree. That was finding joy in learning how to play the violin. That was spending lots of quality time with my husband. That was becoming an online coach and helping other people emotionally, mentally, and with their health and fitness journey. Find what gives you purpose. Keep a gratitude journal that you write in each night so that you are focusing on the things that are good in your life instead of the heartache and the things you wish you had. And lastly, take CARE OF YOU and know that you are never alone in the journey!